It’s 5:30 am on a Wednesday morning and I awaken sharply. No one is “paging” me and I’m not wondering “and why”, but I did just have a dream…”it was all a dream.” It was not a fantasy about something greatly desired like Google says a dream can be, and it was not filled with laughter, accomplishment, or good vibes. This dream made me instinctively open my eyes, repeatedly draw an X on my forehead (something that I have done since childhood to cast out bad dreams), sit up on the edge of my bed and pray with tear filled eyes.
I have no desire to relive the events of that dream aka nightmare (yes, it truly was a terrifying and very unpleasant experience), but I think it’s a nightmare that all black mothers, sisters, grandmothers, and aunts have had. This was a first for me because I am not a mother, I don’t have any biological brothers, and I am the aunt of an 8 year old girl. But after this last week that my black community has had, and all the imagery that Blackout Tuesday provided, as I slept a fear grew inside of me that I didn’t think was possible.
I know it may seem very cliché to say, but I truly LOVE everyone I know. That doesn’t mean that people don’t leave me with a negative taste in my mouth, a nasty word(s), a side eye on my face, or tears of hurt and frustration in my eyes sometimes. But deep, and to be honest not that deep, down inside I LOVE them, I PRAY for them, I desire for them to be HEALED from the inside out, and I just want them to WIN. I know with every fiber of my being that when they win, I win, and in the end that’s all I really want for them.
I don’t have a Crystal ball, even though my name is Crystal, so I don’t know how or when, but I have faith that every bodies healing will come. We all have different issues, demons, and temptations, but that force, that soul, that power, that being that can, and will, deliver us is the same no matter what you call it, him, or she.
Clear my mind, body, and spirit…take this fear away from me. I don’t want any parts of this negativity, I do not wish this negativity on anybody, and I want to have a clear, executable, logical, and responsible plan for moving forward. I don’t have all the answers, but I know who does…I just have to ASK!